1) You Crap In Something That Looks Like This:

I’m going to let you in on a secret here.  Your shit still smells the same.  Actually, your shit probably smells worse than mine because you were sucking down lobster while I was eating Rahman and water.  It’s pretty standard really.  If you have a toilet made out of a precious metal, you’re a douche bag.  Sorry.

 

 

2) You Have One Or More Planes Parked On Your Property

If your house can double as a terminal…you have a problem.

 

 

3) You Can Charge Admission To Family Movie Night

I’m all for a nice home theater setup in a family room….for the family. Not for a rather large percentage of your town. Then again, I also hate people so your mileage may vary.

 

 

4) You Need A Special Vehicle To Get Around….Your Yard

Unless you are actively farming, you don’t need this. In fact I’d go out on a limb to say that real farmers would make fun of you and question your orientation. If you own this, you A) have too much land B) have too much time C) are just fucking lazy D) suck at life

For those keeping score, the answer is all of the above. You know what most people use to get around their yard? Their feet. It works…try it sometime.

 

 

5) You Live Like An Ewok

Lots of kids have tree houses. It’s a great place to stash your porn. However, not every kid has a tree house complete with electricity, microwave, sink, water cooler, etc.. They claim this is a great place to escape civilization. You know who else had a great place to escape civilization? This guy.

 

 

6) Double Staircase

This very same entrance way can be seen in douche houses all across the country. They are basically copy cats of each other. One staircase isn’t enough for you people is it? What do you do, see who can make it to your douche landing faster? A requirement of this type of staircase is some kind of ornate iron work. Remember…the person with the most detail wins.

 

 

7) A Bathroom Fireplace

Personally, I use the bathroom as a place to escape my many fireplaces. Plus, with my 70″ flatpanel I really don’t have the room for a fireplace. I suppose some people (women) get really cold when they are taking a long relaxing bubble bath (shitting) and need the warmth that only a cozy gas fireplace can provide.

 

 

8) You Have Multiple Dishwashers

Personally I know plenty of people who don’t have a wife and would be happy to just have one dishwasher. You on the other hand, have so many douche dinner parties that you can somehow justify owning more than one $1,000+ dishwasher.

 

 

9) Indoor Swimming Pool

I think it’s pretty universal that if you can go swimming without ever being able to tell what the weather is like, your house it pretty Tiger Woods crazy. It says a lot about the person though. Such as, I hate my neighbors. I can kind of relate to that.

 

 

10) A Personal Wine Cellar

I enjoy a glass of whine as much as the next person, especially when I’m driving my son to soccer practice (he just won’t shutup ugh). And I suppose I do have a wine cellar. It’s called my fridge during the warmer months and my garage during the winter. Now, the garage is awesome because I can stack the boxes neatly on my rubbermaid shelving system I snagged at Big Lots. However, during warmer weather I just have to buy less food in order to account for my wine addic..hobby.